Shazia and Dr Clifton

The following is pure fantasy. If it's too offensive I'll take it down. Blame George for forwarding the link to me. Better read the original text before going on to my travesty.

Here's the original.

Here's the travesty:

Dr Peter Clifton, a human nutrition researcher from Adelaide, has recently made surgical history as the first nutrition researcher to receive a functional human brain.

The newly implanted brain, inserted during a 15 hour neurosurgical procedure, has allowed him perceptive thought for the first time in his life. Looking back on his most recent research presentation using his newly acquired brain, he was interviewed by Shazia Qureshi for DGDispatch.

Qureshi: Dr Clifton, what do you now think about the elevation in LDL cholesterol that was found in the low carbohydrate, high saturated fat arm of your study?

Dr Clifton: Well Shazia, I can't believe I've been such a berk. We've known since the 1980s that saturated fat increases the size of LDL particles, to give the large fluffy non atherogenic type, which can typically give an increase in calculated LDL of 20% or more but with a marked reduction in cardiovascular risk. Of course, before my brain implant I simply assumed a 19% rise in LDL implied 19% more bad stuff. I'd never read the literature and had no idea there could be good LDL. Just stupidity, pure and simple. I'm so embarrassed.

Qureshi: How about the change in HDL cholesterol? Was this adversely affected by the saturated fat diet?

Dr Clifton: God no, Shazia, it improved dramatically, by 21%, on the saturated fat diet, that's over 4 times as much as the low fat group who only achieved a 5% increase. Now I can see the low fat group only managed their pityful 5% rise because they were accessing their own supplies of saturated fat due to weight loss. If we'd not starved the poor buggers their HDL would certainly have dropped. Now I realise that HDL always drops on low fat diets unless there is weight loss. What a pillock I've been!

Quershi: Tell me more about the weight loss.

Dr Clifton: Well of course it was greater in the low carbohydrate group, but luckily the difference didn't make statistical significance. Sheesh, at least I didn't come over as such a drongo on that one. Bit of a relief really.

Qureshi: What about the flow mediated dilation?

Dr Clifton: Well again, bit of a pillock on this one. Of course we've known for decades that flow mediated arterial dilation is blunted by free fatty acids. And, because I have always recommended low fat diets, the only way anyone could have any amount of free fatty acids in their circulation is if they are in advanced metabolic syndrome and have started to spill un-needed and uncontrolled free fatty acids from their adipose tissue. Of course these people are in trouble cardiovascular wise. I should know, I've gotten them there by telling them that fructose is great stuff as it's low in fat and a bit is found in fruit, so a giant Pepsi is fine... If only I'd had this brain sooner.

With a brain all you have to do is ask yourself: What substance is a low carbohydrate dieter going to run their metabolism on? It's not going to be glucose is it? And if they are loosing adipose tissue as free fatty acids and getting even more fat from their diet, it's obvious that there is going to have to be a higher level of free fatty acids in their bloodstream. God knows why I didn't measure them. Oh, guess that's because I didn't have a brain... It's not clear why free fatty acids blunt flow mediated dilation. I guess that's mostly because the research on this subject was done by people like me. I should have realised my boo boo when we got the pulse wave velocity results.

Qureshi: Yes, you measured the stiffness of the aorta using the time taken for the pressure wave from the heart beat to reach the lower limbs. This must have been much worse in the saturated fat group, with all that elevated LDL cholesterol clogging everything up and no ability to dilate arteries after they've had a tourniquet on their arm.

Dr Clifton: You'd have thought that I'd have realised I was talking a load of bollocks about cholesterol and flow mediated dilation when the low carbohydrate group improved their pulse wave velocity as much as the low fatters. But don't forget, I had no brain in those days. This is so embarrassing. I actually said long-term consumption of a low-carb diet may have detrimental effects on cardiovascular risk.

Do you think anyone might have noticed?

Qureshi: I hope not.